Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
