I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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