T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
