you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
