Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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