The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
