she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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