good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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