I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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