I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
