I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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