Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
