listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
