I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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