so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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