saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish i was in the wii world.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We left an ass print on the piano.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
