I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
