found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
