waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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