i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
