o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
