the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
PANTIES FOUND
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
