i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
