Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
