i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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