My hand turned me down
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
