i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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