i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
