Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
