I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
