i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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