I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
