I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
