I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
