Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
