I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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