You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
