Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
