You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
