Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
COCAINE IS GR8
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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