I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
