The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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