Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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