all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
