I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
