He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The maid of honor just puked.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
