Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need moral support for this bender
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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