The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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