don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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