I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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