please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize