I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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