I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
