I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
