Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
