If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
