Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
