remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize