Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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