Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
