Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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