im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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